The Globes or why 50 is the new 20.

Good Evening Darlings.

Well it’s that time again – Award Season. My favourite season. Better than the holidays. Better than just about anything.

Tonight with the Golden Globes, us mere mortals at home are priivy to a side of life that but a few get to really experience. There is something magical about so many creative minds in the same room celebrating the magic of the screen and dressed like there is still a reason to dress up.

And darlings, you know that nothing turns me on more than glamour. So tonight, let’s pop a bottle of something delicious (and I really hope that none of you are “cleansing” for January, as the times says it really does more harm than good and I couldn’t agree more) and discuss the best (and worst) part – the dresses!

So without further a due, let’s begin the dissection darlings.

As always, let’s start from the bottom and work our way up.

 

Lena Dunham in Zac Posen
Lena Dunham in Zac Posen

Fuck. I hate this. I really do. Because darlings I love the mind of this woman…except when it comes to deciding what to wear to award shows. And this almost works, except that it doesn’t. The yellow is striking, but the dress is literally eating her alive. The bosom is ill fitting and the waist looks like it is so uncomfortable, that I am having trouble breathing from home. I wish it wasn’t so, but it is. Oh LD, please. Give me some Halston Heritage or maybe even some Herrera or something…

Screen Shot 2014-01-12 at 8.50.29 PM
Sandra Bullock in Prabal Gurung

Really the only thing I have to say about this ensemble is that it is making me crave a box of multicolored highlighters. Also I can feel the blisters of those anklestrapped peeptoes. What is this? 1998?

Sofia Vergara in Zac Posen
Sofia Vergara in Zac Posen

I understand that I am going to be in the great minority on this one. And I should love this dress. Structured, semi-sweetheart, full skirt and classic black. But somehow it’s too much. Too much of what, ‘I’m not sure, but just too much. It feels overwhelmingly self aware and again, just too much. I’m also not one for the turquoise and black combination. It’s just too cold. And I’m just not sure why with that beautiful skin, you would do that to yourself. But darlings, I’m not going to feel too bad for Sofia. I’m sure that all of the E! personalities will give her rave reviews, is OK with being photographed in a thong on a yacht and makes gazillions of dollars just for really liking diet pepsi, so I’m not sweating it too much for her.

Aubrey Plaza in Oscar de la Renta
Aubrey Plaza in Oscar de la Renta

I just can’t stand this dress. It looks like something an eight year old girl would draw with crayola crayons when someone asked her what her dress would look like if she ever got to go to a ball. I’m also taking issue with the bust darts. And tan lines. TAN LINES. How could her friends and employees let her walk the red carpet like this? Friends don’t let friends show visible tan lines to formal events.

Darlings, THEY JUST DON’T.

Heidi Klum in Marchesa.
Heidi Klum in Marchesa.

Apparently the 90s are back, because – Heidi – theres’ a choker around your neck and it’s falling into your cleavage and really, it’s a tragedy.

Kristen Connolly in Nicholas Oakwell
Kristen Connolly in Nicholas Oakwell

I actually kind of like this dress, but I’ll tell you what I don’t like. Coral dresses with black strappy sandals. I don’t like it one bit.

Kelly Osbourne in Escada
Kelly Osbourne in Escada

Again, darlings, I really have no problem with the dress. In fact, I kind of love it. I love the gold shoulders. I love the slit and I really love the pointy gold nails. But let’s chat about the hair. Kelly posted instagrams of her “glam squad” getting her ready. They should all be ashamed of themselves. The faded lavendar plastered bob is KILLING ME. And not in a good fashionworldy way. I can’t even articulate how I feel about it, except that it gives me the sweats.

And now darlings, let talk about all of the good the night had to hold. These ladies just killed it (in the good fashionworldy way).

Olivia Wilde in Gucci
Olivia Wilde in Gucci

This is how you do pregnant. She looks like a beautiful ombre laden mermaid. This dress just falls over her body as if it is actually her skin. Could you imagine? Sequins for skin? It might be just about the most brilliant idea ever. The only thing that could make this dress better is if it were a jumpsuit, but that’s another story for another day.  Thanks to this dress as well as life in general – If I ever get pregnant I vow to wear sequins 70% of the time because I mean, why wouldn’t I?

Camila Alves in Dolce & Gabbana
Camila Alves in Dolce & Gabbana

This dress is ALL RIGHT. Every part of it is a miracle. Tax Fraud or not, Stefano and Domenico know exactly what they are doing. This dress from the knee down looks like an old phonograph against the red carpet and it is truly striking. Can you imagine, darlings, what this particular phonograph might be playing?

This is what I imagine:

But I digress. Speaking of Camila – let’s talk about Matthew McConaughey. Darlings, you know I am a sucker for a better than usual tux on a man, and old Wooderson did not disappoint tonight. He, Kevin Spacey and Chris Helmsworth ( I literally don’t know who he is) completely rocked the velvet jacket tonight. There isn’t much that makes me happier than a man in a velvet jacket.

LE SWOON
LE SWOON

A town car ride home at the end of a long boozy night is made entirely more enjoyable when you have a handsome man in a soft, velvety jacket to snuggle up against (believe me darlings, I know.)

Leslie Mann in D&G with Judd Apatow
Leslie Mann in D&G with Judd Apatow

Perhaps my favourite couple of the night. I’m not usually a fan of peplum, but this works for whatever reason. Perhaps it is because this is such a serious dress for such a silly lady. Or because it is just so chic. Or because even though the focus is usually on her husband, she puts just about every spring chicken on the carpet to shame. What a bombshell.

Taylor Schilling in Thakoon
Taylor Schilling in Thakoon

I am a sucker for kelly green, especially in formal settings. This has a retro silhouette that I am digging and just a tiny bit of detailing on the neckline, just enough to make it really spectacular. I have nothing snarky to say about this. I love it.

Before I tell you which dresses I love entirely the most, I want to take a break and express my love for the following eyebrows on the carpet tonight. Neither ladies dress I was taken with, but their brows – amazing.

Margot Robbie
Margot Robbie
Lizzy Caplan
Lizzy Caplan

And now, I’d like to share my most beloved dresses of the evening.

In a close second, one of the ladies that seems to pop up on my faves list every season. Maybe not someone on many other lists, but a star on mine.

Laura Dern in Roberto Cavalli
Laura Dern in Roberto Cavalli

Laura Dern looks like she is wearing an incredibly beautiful suit of armor. Cavalli doesn’t work for everyone. In fact, I once had a teacher who told us about his collection of studded Cavalli thongs (he was a fashion teacher, but it would have been better had it been calculus class or something). Dern looks like a goddess in this dress. A sparkling, strong, goddess.

It is with a heavy heart that I announce my favourite dress of the night, because I think my mother will kill me. She loathes this siren of the screen.

Julia Roberts in Dolce & Gabbana
Julia Roberts in Dolce & Gabbana

Darlings, you know I love a menswear inspired dress. I adore a collar and I certainly love a beehive. And Julia Roberts is just giving it so hard in this ensemble. I literally cannot look away, it’s so spectacular.

oh and also this:

Screen Shot 2014-01-12 at 8.45.54 PM

So that’s that darlings, a run down of what is making my heart flutter and what is making me wretch.

Bests and worsts? What do you think?

xoxo

lcf

3 thoughts on “The Globes or why 50 is the new 20.

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